White Castle vs. Krystal Or At Least the South Doesn’t Rise Again

I am often amazed with the obsession so many have with the Civil War, or War of Northern Aggression. Over a century later the impact of this conflict is still felt on both sides of the Mason-Dixon Line (The MDL) cementing certain cultural differences. Several of these deep and fundamental divergences have been well documented, sweet vs. unsweet tea for instance, but one area that has been largely ignored is Fast Food. “Fast Food?” you say? Surely, McDonald’s and Taco Bell are ubiquitous on both sides of The MDL nor does the King (and I don’t mean Elvis) let his domain be dictated by such delineations. However, these corporate giants are rarely where most turn for food after a night of heavy drinking. Either their hours are not amenable, the number of menu items too high, or the food too precarious for a liquor lined stomach. What to do? If you are too drunk to make it to a diner, or your designated driver is unwilling to inflict you on the staff, there is a fast food choice that will suffice: Krystal or as it is called across the Northern side of The MDL, White Castle. But are they the same? Herein we will explore these two fast food champions of the drunken food world and maybe just maybe in doing so we will heal some of our nation’s wounds and close the cultural divide across The MDL.


A few weekends ago I went to Kentucky for an amazing wedding of two very awesome people; so a special thanks to J & B who made this review possible. A wedding reception packed with graduate students promised to be an alcohol heavy event so like all good drinkers I looked for the “drunk food” places adjacent to our hotel room. There it was… White Castle. Prior to moving to Atlanta I had lived all my life in North Florida and had never had the opportunity to eat at the Northern equivalent to Krystal, a drunk food favorite of mine. A Krystal is small square burger with a thin slice of steamed ‘meat’, topped with onions (disturbingly referred to as “Flavor crystals” by some), dropped onto a flavorless bun, and served with mustard (which proves a subtle and vital “tang”) and pickle. Cheese is an additional option but is really not negotiable so for the rest of this article when I refer to the burgers I mean topped with cheese. In my opinion the Krystal should just come with cheese and you should have to ask to have it removed. Sober, these little burgers are greasy, salty, and frankly horrifying. Drunk, each burger has just the right amount of grease: A LOT. Remember that drunk food needs to hit you on the head with its flavor since your taste buds might be fine but you have become a goddamn idiot. Less than 4 burgers will probably not be enough while more than 6 will probably push a tumultuous tummy over the edge.

So how does White Castle stack up? With several hours to go before the rehersal dinner we sauntered over to the White Castle to give it the sober taste test. My first thought was the White Castle was a little less greasy, a little more salty, and the onions a little more flavorful. As sober food this was certainly a little better than Krystal and the addition of mustard from an available packet made this a tasty little snack. However, left to my own devices I would rarely (read as never) hunt out either of these joints for a sober meal so who really cares? How does White Castle stack up drunk?

After a great wedding reception and a bus ride back to the hotel I staggered over the White Castle and order six “slyders” (the Krystal equivalent) with cheese (They too don’t realize the necessity of the cheese on their burgers) then headed back up to my hotel room with a few packets of mustard. I tore through the first two, forgetting the mustard obviously, happy as a clam because I had my drunk food. However, when I started tearing into my third burger it hit me. The grease level was too low. These burgers were leaving me unsatisfied both emotionally and physically. This was not drunk food but barely passable fast food in disguise. Such deceit is not surprising from White Castle, a company which early in its inception paid young men to dress in doctor’s coats to trick the public into thinking their food was healthy since medical professionals dined there. In the morning I awoke to find I had only eaten four of the burgers and terrible heartburn, a phenomenon that does not occur from a feast of Krystals. That morning I also learned the origin of the nickname ‘Slyders’ for these burgers…. I will say no more on that subject.

In conclusion, White Castle invented these little burgers but Krystal perfected them for drunken consumption. The lack of grease makes White Castle burgers unsatisfying when drunk. The chain has also forgotten that drunk people are not going to take the time to add the mustard which their burger sorely needs. If White Castle really wants to step into the drunken food market they should start serving all their burgers with mustard after midnight.